my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
Breakfast in bed.
I can’t stop laughing at this
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
#Caturday
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*