My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
Saw online –
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Mouse
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”