My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Schrodinger’s Douchebag: (noun) A guy who says offensive things and decides whether he’s kidding or not based on people’s reactions
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Yep.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.
Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.