My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
Murderers are so stupid. Stop writing manifestos you idiots.
“baby on board” ok well can you tell him to drive faster
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.