My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
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Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
The party bus lobby must be so strong. You’re not allowed to ride in a car without a seatbelt, unless you’re drinking and dancing on a pole. What an incredible loophole.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE