My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
rebranding
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I needed a laugh this morning.
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST