My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
Me, reading some of your tweets
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Customize Your Wedding.
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.