My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
Emma is smarter than all of us.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: did he just get in line
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
if the plane can’t go to the gate, that has nothing to do with me. We landed. I can get out and walk
I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.