My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
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My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
crazy
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.