Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.

H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?

Me: … … … Yes.

Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.

3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead

An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.

how much would they have to pay you to be the model for this article

SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit

Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?

Ouija doin?

-talkin to my ancestors

Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About

It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it

my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”

I see a guy with a sharktooth necklace.

Me: Holy shit! That’s the sharpest part of the shark. Who is this mysterious and brave hunk?

But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?

Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me

Her: which is?

Me: exactly

interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right

My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.

*me filing for unemployment*

Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours

Me: so you’re only open 4 hours

Unemployment Office: yes any other questions

Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office

Fun prank: Wear a baby carrier with a parcel in it. Stand at mailbox and yell OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE!

A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.

If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting

I wish this was real life…

I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.

I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.

I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.

I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?