Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?

Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.

there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.

Me: you don’t say…

Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.

I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…

Ground up and in the freezer

A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.

Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.

Why he land on that little girl like that☠️

That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit

Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.

Entomologic:

Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a fly

Bee louse= fly

This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes

TWITTER: Do you want to see this?

ME: No, never

TWITTER: Ok

ME: Good

TWITTER: You will see this less often

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.

Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.

ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs

DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant

ME *scuttles closer*

DATE: 6 of them

“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”

– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered

I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.

Three men are on a boat

They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.

So?

So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

Me: You’re getting so tall!

Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.

Me: …Oh.

Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.

Me:

Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.

In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.

It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.

For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.

Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.

Boss “Are you high?”

If I was high could I do this?

*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*