My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Good lord
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
ah yes….my favourite videogame
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Avocado pits are exceptionally useful, in some unexpected ways.
I once smuggled an avocado pit in my prison wallet when I had to go to jail for a bit.
Three days later. I carefully removed it then artfully carved a lockpick out of it. When I was caught a week later in Florida, I refused to tell them how I’d escaped. The sheriff who drove me back to prison told me I had balls.
If only he knew the truth.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.