Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.

Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

[creating animals]

God- I want an animal with 2 humps

Angel- And a cute face?

G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans

A- LOL

G- LOL

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it

me: I searched the whole casino

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

“Recalculating. Recalculating.”

– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back

Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.

Or having an Asian baby.

wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework

“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”

Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”

“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”

My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.

“Do you want seconds?”

“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.

Persuading my cat to go outside in the cold is a bit like when I had to encourage my daughter to go down the slide when she was 5.

Go on.
You can do it.
Brave girl.
GO ON.

To clarify:

DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.

DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.

Hope this helps!

Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.

Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday

Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it

me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days

old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers

me: yeah, so?

old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids

Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts

You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.

Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.

TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness

ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.