Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

Honest job interview:

“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.

Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.

I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*

Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks

Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?

*launders Kohls cash*

The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.

What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

*pokes head out of dressing room*

uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here

“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day

Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am

Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.

I thought you were going to take my taco.

*inhales helium from balloon*

I think we should see other people.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

Nurse: “This may hurt.”

Me: “June hasn’t been much fun either.”

Let me play you the song of my children.

*open and closes door 20 times*

me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap

HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?

ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’

*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*

“You should floss more”

“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

My phone: Would you like to save this password?

Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.