My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
America. Where assault weapons will protect your family, but two dudes getting married will destroy your family.
MOVIE EXEC: So your idea for a superhero is a guy called ‘Candleman’ and his catchphrase is ‘There’s no rest for the wick head’?
ME: Yep!
HIM: Get out
me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then