My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
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#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Jurassic park gets weird
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
i will avenge u mr van gogh
i think we should see other cousins
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.
I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow