My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
the greatest twitter interaction
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Who says great literature is dead?
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.