Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬

me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝

i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children

If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.

boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.

me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:

Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.

wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.

*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money

I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.

an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.

Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.

The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.

#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Neighbours are away & the house-sitter asked me for help with the back door that was stuck. Grabbed GT85 lubricant, fixed the sliding bolts, & while she was distracted, I lubricated the creaking hinges on their front door that have been driving me mad for 3 years.

My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*

Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.

There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.