My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
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My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Age 8 – “I can achieve anything”
18 – “should I buy a lobster farm?”
28 – “if you are watching this then I have been killed by lobsters”
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
I am thick and tired. 🙄
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
What an awful time to have common sense.