Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Cop: you get one phone call

me: [dials 911] help

I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.

Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.

they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there

Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.

date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex

[later]

me: *yelling* avada kedavra

Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”

Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here

Also me: I wonder how I can contribute

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car

Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

That time I was late for work and the boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed to call people that any more.”

SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again

When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.

If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.

Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.

Wow you’re fast.

Caveman 1: Tell me a story.

Caveman 2: Once upon a time….

Caveman 1: Woah you lost me!

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”

I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.

She’s mine