My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
I’m aging like a fine banana
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend