Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?

SON: *first word* momma.

MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?

ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.

Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.

Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.

My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.

Me:

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

[Asking someone out]

Um…so do you want to come to my exorcism next week?

3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

SON: What will happen when I die?

DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?

SON: YA-

DAD: You’re not a dog.

My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.

*Shovel
*Lye
*Gloves

Cashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”

*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)

ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later

wish me luck lads

*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!

Ok now say “coffee”!

Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.

Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.

Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.

interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job

me: the company moved

interviewer: where to

me: they didn’t tell me