My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
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*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
The Punning Dead.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Strange
