Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target

boss: you know what’s weird

me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?

boss: how the flin— yes exactly

Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.

Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??

From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

You know something I’ve discovered?

This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.

It’s about the people you connect with.

Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.

“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.

Hamburger Hinderer.

I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.

How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?

Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.

Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen

Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

The Friday File.

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.

I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.