Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At an auction*

Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬

Host: What now? 🤨

Me *bids farewell*

Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread

Seal:

me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol

[later]

Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

The worst part of getting new shoes is the breaking in phase. Once you’ve broken into the shoe shop, the rest is easy.

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

dentist: lay on the chair please

me: ok

dentist: face up

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah

“As per my email…”

Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

[group therapy]

“I always feel unnoticed”

NINJA: I hear ya

CHAMELEON: Same

GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45

Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re

Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.

*seductively takes off winter coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

*seductively takes off another coat*

Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.

During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive

BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now

I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.

Good advice.

My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!

A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]

Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.

I know this now.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”

I think she’s ready to be a parent now.

[date]

HER: Any hobbies?

ME: I collect old comics

HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?

ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby