My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
With Laughter the L comes first, the rest comes aughter
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: *out of breath and curled up in the fetal position on the treadmill*
Personal trainer: “I say this to you both literally and figuratively, this isn’t working out.”