My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
I need the people to know that olympic silver medalist giorgia villa is sponsored by parmesan cheese and regularly posts pics of herself with giant wheels of cheese
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.