My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Bear knowledge
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
Body by cheese-puffs.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Breaking news:
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
ah yes….my favourite videogame
