My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Ever since I was a little kid I knew that I wanted to be late for work
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.