My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
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According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
It’s ok, gas station bathroom motion sensor lights, I forgot I was here too.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
if we’re bringing back satanic panic can we do a throwback to 80’s grocery prices too
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
necessity is the mother of invention
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?