My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
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When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I just brushed my hair while wearing a fuzzy sweater and now I can make a streetlight come on by touching it.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]