My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
You Might Also Like
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Sorry but I’m not taking lessons in communication from a baby
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
new wife guy just dropped
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses