My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
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Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
britain’s three elite institutions
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
where the womens at?
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…