Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.

Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.

Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?

Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe

I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.

No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.

INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou

*I’ve already changed his pants*

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

Single in your 20s: help your friends move

Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends

“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’

I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.

If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter

in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)

when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids

If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.

Kids teach you so many life lessons.

Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.