@JJSummertime

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

You Might Also Like

@AllanForsyth

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

@TomE83_

I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.

@deadstick_ron

Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?

Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.

@Just__J0

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.

@bransonreese

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.