My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
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I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
If you love someone, let them sleep.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
What do you call a zombie who stir fries?
Dead man wokking
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too