Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?

st. peter: that’s right

me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

😂

I’m never asking anyone out on a date again

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.

I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.

Here goes….

My hips have lied. Like…a lot.

No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.

ME: I wasn’t invited to the party

FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic

ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone

The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.

My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.

My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.

Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.

Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?

Me: No, what?

Son: Camo meal

*we tearfully embrace*

Wife: JFC

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.

i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?

Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.

[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee

Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me

You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.

“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”

Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”

Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”

I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.