Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.

Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.

#dnd #ttrpg

I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.

Most annoying times to be attacked by bees

3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit

Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.

[funeral home]

DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.

To do list:

1) Kill the fly in my room.

2) Try to snort multivitamins.

3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.

4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…

… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.

Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?

Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.

I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on

“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.

Me: teachers have a hard job, stop treating them as babysitters.

also me when school resumes in the fall: OH THANK GOD

How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.

What even happened today?

pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied

My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout