Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”

Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.

I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…

Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?

I really need a sledgehammer for perfectly harmless reasons.

Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.

No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.

If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).

If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.

Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..

I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Stranger: Your children are angels

Me: So was the devil

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?

I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

*sees baby*

*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*

*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*

*sadness evaporates*

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.