Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN

Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.

Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.

I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.

2020: Everyone needs to count their steps every day!
2025: How walking is actually killing you.

If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.

My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.

Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…

Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?

Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”

Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now

i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”

Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?

Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?

CEO: Genius!

Parent’s curfew with each child:

1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”

I’m not mad ur mad

2024 has been a rough few years

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits

Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.

It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it

Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.

Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure