My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
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My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
ready to be harvested
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Like many men my age, my biggest regret is hiring the inexpensive hitman.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
This water sounds like a sexually transmitted infection you get from a gentle breeze blowing up your shorts.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same