My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
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me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
“Hey… you’ll be fine… you got this, LOL”
*if vodka could talk
The Sun’s probably Asian.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
I won’t rest until a cure for insomnia is found.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
How come I only know the shortcuts for copy & paste and internet history, yet the cat can walk across the keyboard and open a bank account?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
murder on the timeline
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it