Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.

It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.

Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.

They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.

I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!

My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.

So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.

My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.

I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.

Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?

Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

government: let’s reopen stuff.

public: ummmm…

guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party