My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
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Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
No I don’t watch TikToks, I watch Instagram reels of Tiktok videos that were popular two weeks ago, like a grown up
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
My teenage children choosing violence
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Our doorbell is broken so we called someone over to fix it. He might be here already. There’s no way to tell.
me: *ordering an orange juice*
8yo: does it have pulp?
me: I’m not sure
8yo: *heavy sigh* guess I’ll find out the hard way
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.