My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
He’s a 10 but there are 2 of him.
Girl wake up, you’re drunk
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Most people call Fall soup weather or sweater weather, but I prefer to call it electric bill goes down weather.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.