My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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No.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*