My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
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So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Her: I went line dancing last night..
Me: It was roadside sobriety check karen
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
he looks great for his age
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Most Common Source of Electricity
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
My ex was saved in my phone as “the antichrist” until my children were able to read.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*