my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
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I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!