my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
orange cat behavior
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
