my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Beware of the dog..
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
True.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
“Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus” is on, followed by “Mega Shark vs Crocasaurus”. Nice job, SyFy. Way to GIVE AWAY THAT GIANT OCTOPUS LOSES.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
