my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
