my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
You Might Also Like
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
*bites zombie*
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.
Sharon, call the vet
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉
ME: *eats a fistful of bees*
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.