my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
My kid just told me I look so young from this angle. The angle being the back of my head.
Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded
*jumps out of plane*
*begins reading parachute instruction manual*
STEP 1: PUT ON PARACHUTE
*looks up*
Well hell
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
