my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
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No one girl should have all that power. 😂
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I challenged a man who left his shopping trolley in the adjoining space and he replied “someone else will move it” before walking away. He was right, I did – and attached it to his driver’s side door with a cable tie
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Martha Stewart: Good wrapping should only require three pieces of tape
Pivo: Bad wrapping can also only use three pieces of tape
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
No, YOUR illiterate.
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.