Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

[emerging from a ten year coma]

my dad: look who finally got up

“It’s just down the street ” – me describing a location 47 miles away

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

Cop: spread’em!

Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*

A brick crashed through my bedroom window with a note that read:

“Oops, I threw a brick at the wrong window. So sorry!”

Well, at least they’ve got decent manners.

I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.

All I’m saying is having a great sense of smell is not as wonderful as you would think it would be.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– that one really embarrassing thing you did
– literally everyone still remembers & talks about it
– you’d think they forget but no lmao
– can’t believe you did that lol

At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.

No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run

cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”

PLOT TWIST:

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

[Tattoo on nuts]

Caution: May contain people

@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.

My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.

Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin

Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?