Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.

just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…

My cat thinks his name is Pspspspssss

The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.

HER: I love Game Of Thrones

ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister

I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao

I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight

if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.

Now no one ever knocks on my door.

Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?

Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons

Ed:

Ed: fsh

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.

I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.

The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.

what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.

I’m their teacher.

if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

🤣

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

A decision was made here.

Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….

Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous

Water buffalo: Who?

P: That beautiful flamingo over there.

WB: Go talk to her.

P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.

WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…

WB/P: …not a Pelicant.

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

It’s been six years since my job interview.

I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.