Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“building-building building building building-building building”

(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)

The first five days after the weekend are the hardest.

Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.

My Guy

The evening news…

Where they begin with “Good evening,” and then proceed to tell you why it is not.

Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.

To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band

Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying

Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home

Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.

All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂

i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.

Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING