Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.

Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.

I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.

A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.

I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.

Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.

6: What are you making? It smells terrible!

Me: *literally just boiling water*

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius

[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirt

Interviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?

The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.

March 16

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.

*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you

“dom or sub?”

subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion

Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT

[1st night w/Russian bride]

“take yr panties off”

[smaller panties underneath]

“them too”

[even smaller panties underneath]

“damnit…”

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!