Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This tree does a lot of weird exercises

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.

gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic

The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.

Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….

Got it?

Then there’s dating me.

I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?

Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.

What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39

The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

What the hell happened in there??

might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun

LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.

I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz

Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.

I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”

…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.

12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!

Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.

Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?

Me: I don’t know, CAN you?

*High-fives high school English teacher*

I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.

Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man

My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.

everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.

Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.