my kid has a friend over for the first time in more than a year and i overheard them say “i missed you,” and was moved with how emotionally open they were being until i walked in the room and saw they were playing battleship
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! 2026 will be my year!!!
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Who needs an Air Fryer?
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Cndnsd Mlk
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this