My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
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I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
10 y/o daughter and friend had a sleep over and after I told them a story and turned off the lights, I heard her friend say, “your Dad is pretty cool and funny.”
10: OMG, do NOT let him hear you say that, it will get to his head.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it
Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.