My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
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Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
I just heard my husband quietly say to the baby, “you are really cute . . . do you think we’re cute too?”
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Heckling the flight attendant during the oxygen mask demo
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.