My kid has been collecting money she finds around the house for years, I was short some cash and she let me borrow some, as long as I repay her, so now I owe her money for borrowing my money. Is it too soon to enroll her in business school?
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Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Ferrari squats
