My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.
NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.
Friend: Wanna go out tonight?
Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
hawkers unsubscribe page really makes you reconsider
DOOO EEEET
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
