Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?

Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.

No more questions until my mom gets here

-Me to HR

Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.

secret recipe

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

181.

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.

I’m laying on the couch.

Me: Put on your seatbelt.

13: Do I have to?

Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield

13: cool

Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it

The software development process

i can’t fix this

*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*

oh it was a typo, cool

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…

*slides deodorant across the table*

I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?

~At a snowboarding store.

Him: you need a base grind and a wax, it’s been a while.

Me: i know

Him:…

Me: Wait, what, oh the board…

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

Every day of school:

Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP

5 AM, every weekend:

Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: