My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
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I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
[trying to make a new friend]
…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
I’m the neighbor
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.