Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.

Person: I really DO want your honest advice

Me: NO you don’t

P: I DO

Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out

P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?

Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.

If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.

FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.

Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.

I’m a champion of grammar;

A grampion, if you will.

Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.

Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*

To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician

Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.

*watching Only Murders In The Building*

Me: “Where are all the crows?”

You had me at “Bathes regularly”.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

Drive like no one is watching.