My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family