Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.

Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”

– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.

I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

“You are what you eat.”

I’m about 90% burrito.

In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.

guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”

I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name

I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit

I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.

I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.

My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.

Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.

You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.

Now that I work in a bank… Same

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

[CAVE]

BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!

DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black