My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
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If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.