my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
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girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again
Am I high or is this air conditioner unit stargazing with her legs out the window right now
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.