my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
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I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
My gf is so sweet… We just had that silly “hall pass” convo, ig she didn’t wanna make me jealous with a hunky celeb so she said some random nobody from her job ☺️ and she wasn’t remotely intimidated when my answer was Anna freaking Kendrick 😅
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*