Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.

*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?

Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

My 8yo just asked if he could peel off my skin to see my bones when I die and then said “just kidding” in a very unconvincing tone.

What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*

Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.

Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.

Stick it to the man

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/C8HNO-NW0AI1A3J.mp4

Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.

Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.

Me: no just-just one.

Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.

Me: uh what?

Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.

[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant

Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?

I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.

*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW

Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?

Me: no more YouTube before bed.