Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

You make a compelling argument, Morty.

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

Clicks “open”

Tries door

What the FU..

Wrong car

(I have a master’s degree)

Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Hey Australia, who won the election tomorrow?

So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day

Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

ME: [holding door for wife]

WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?

When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.

*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”

your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.

Me: …

Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”

Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”

#KrakenDay #RubbishDay

A horror story in seven words

Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.

Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.

“She’d do the same for me”, he said.

Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*