my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
extremely cute girl at chic fil a gave me 4 free food vouchers bc i “seemed cool” then told me she was off in 15 minutes and i just said “hell yea” and left
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Before Fatboy Slim was an international DJ he was a chef for William the Conqueror.
He was a Norman Cook.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird