my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
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My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
What the hell happened in there??
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”