my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
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As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
My 3yo (who is extremely clean for a toddler) keeps crying at mealtimes because “I don’t like watching the baby eat, she’s so messy” and honestly, same
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
May your day taste like creamy soup.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*