my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. š«”
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Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed itās not a designer purse if I donāt know how much it costs
Statistically youāre more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVendā¢, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
Girl likes āboys with accents <333ā on Facebook. I charge at her. āHELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORYā
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in āI recommend the tandoori cat.ā
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and donāt remember what we bought the kids. Iām so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Cow Scientist: Sir, weāve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and itās rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I donāt eat
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: Itās right there on the floor next to my sanity
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when Iām out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people wonāt want to talk to me
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Good thing Brazil wonā¦otherwise Iām pretty sure they wouldāve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
āHoney, have you seen the cat?ā
ā Mrs. Schrƶdinger
I donāt need WebMD to tell me whatās wrong with me, I have my mother.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes itās true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think weāre turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I donāt want any-
me: -crusts. i know
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause sheās a keeper.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasnāt changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summerā¦.anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
what itās like dating me:
Them: ācan you just be cool for like once, maybe?ā
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* āsay no more my friendā¦ say no moreā
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
RIP little boat. I canāt think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods