my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡
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My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?