Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.

Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it

Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse

Horse: wait what the frick

A shampoo bottle upside-down in the shower is basically your low-fluid indicator light.

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Are rhetorical questions really necessary?

Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

Son: Can we go to the beach?

Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.

Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.

I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.

Or I need new glasses. Again.

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them

Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?

Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being

*at the gym*

Trainor: Have a donut.

Me: Wow! Sure!

T: Here’s some pizza.

M: What kind of trainer are you?

T: I’m a Megan Trainor.

“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”