My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
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People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Never forget.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
