Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?

“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.

#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield

my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on

she really is living her best life

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.

*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

“I have a date with destiny”

Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions

ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.

BOSS: I love that

ME: My fir babies

HER: Get out

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”

– inventor of the sauna

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

bro what is going on at twitter

“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.

I’m getting into the smashed penny business. I stand near the machine and sell parents 2 quarters and a penny for 5 dollars.

there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse

When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?

Me: I already know. There can be only 1

Him: That’s Highlander

Me: Come back when you have swords

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

The charcuterie board is Lazy Susan’s even lazier
cousin.

I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.