My kid has stolen my heart. And my sleep. Aaaaand my snack.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
At least try to make it slightly believable
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
. ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
If not now, then when? If not you, then who?
— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
pelicons
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag