Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.

“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”

– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.

Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.

*pronounces UPS like yoops

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of Who Keeps Pooping In My Driveway At Midnight I Know It’s A Person I Know What Human Poop Looks Like But Who Would Do That And Why Why The Driveway Exactly Plus Each Time They Poop A Little Further Than My Hose Will Reach So It’s Harder to Clean

Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.

It seems to help

When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered

I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.

Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.

Keith: Shut it.

I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.

For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.

Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

*replies to everyone’s subtweets

“I love you too baby”

Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.

How to properly lift a body

What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?

She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.

The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.

[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle