My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
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Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
kinda wild that i pay tons of money in taxes for bombs each year and have no bombs
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Jim: What shall we name our new playground invention?
Roy: Idk. The playground business sure is a Jungle, Jim.
Jim: …Say that again.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
hmm conte-me mais
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Packing for a 2 day trip like I’m gunna shit my pants 3 times and go swimming
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm
Basically, any European coat of arms:
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts